Hello...all of the blogs I posted today detail my journey to this point. I look forward to sharing my life with you and hopefully you can share pieces of yours with mr. Until then.,.


Living Loving and Laughing like there is a Tomorrow

These thoughts yank me outta bed at 2.

You jab me for being non-communicative, except on paper, but my words and thoughts flow freely to people who are open to hear them.

I see now your disdain for what you see as my newfound gregarious nature is more about who I share my words with.

I offer myself to people in my world and if they flatly refuse to take full advantage of thisthats their loss. I was an open book but you never turned the pages.

I am the same man I was when we met and will be the same long after youre gone. All thats changed is the subject matter; the delivery is still the same.

No matter the perception of me, Im really not that hard to figure out.

Im a reflection of what you give to me.

I asked myself What does he see in me?
Then Miss Sophia said you make him laugh.

I wondered if I was cute enough for him,
Then Winnie wondered what am I worried about.

I didnt understand why he looked at me like that,
Then he kissed me and I knew.

No Expectations and even fewer demands.
He is willing to know me and he seems to like what he knows.

He asks the best of me in subtle ways
And makes me think nothing of it.

He has no idea how much Im into him,
But he knows there is desire there.

I desire his embrace, he delivers.
I desire his smile, he grins.
I desire him, he opens his heart.

He is what I need and has no idea.
That is where it all begins

You are the missing piece of this puzzle.
Today you questioned my motive and I questioned if there needed to be one.
Ive been open and you were unmoved.
Ive been honest and you were unmoved.
But when you peeked at my heart and saw growth....you flinched.

I dont judge your reaction, but I want to assure you that its genuine.

I dont love, but I think I will.
I am not merely interested in you, but enthralled by you.
I dont care anymore, but I do care.

You shine with the possibilities of many sunrises and I welcome them with childlike glee.
Time will show what we are meant to be, but I have sharp idea of the outcome.

I see a future
I see a love
I see a thing that has no proper name
I see you and I smile.............

Im sitting here in my new space thinking old thoughts. Well not really old thoughts, but more so thoughts of old. I look back and wonder how I got over!!! I was reading my earlier blogs and I really cant understand how I moved so far from sanity. Its a constant work in progress, but I understand that so its not stressful. I think life is a wonderful series of interlinking circles. I had a tendency to stay on my circle and ignore the many chances to change direction. It was easier to maintain my comfort with the rhythmic swirl and gentle ebbs and tides. However Im glad I made the mistake of stepping out and trying something new.

Now that my steps arent ordered, I can roam freely though a world that has always been available to me. Comfort is a two sided sword, on one side it makes life much more bearable if you can predict or anticipate whats next. All the while, the other side is silently slicing away opportunities and experiences that can very much enrich your life. Relationships, careers and personal growth all suffer a slow death if you refuse to change.

I encourage you to step out and see whats outside your circle. I was worried about the friends I had lost, but soon understood that I could not let their decision to be comfortable on their circle be a stumbling block to my next move. This has been an amazing time since I started dealing with myself on honest terms. Now that Im holding the sword, I am swinging it with surgical precision in my life. I have found and lost what I thought was love. The name I dare not speak is a fond memory. But he is just that a memory. Ive made some hard choices and refuse to have regrets.

As my dance through the next 100 years begins, I swirl and dip with delight over whats coming next.

OkIve met a guy. Well not just a guy, but a man who has been pretty damn amazing so far. I have been looking for this kind of connection for a while. We have great conversations. Laugh often and he is sexy as hell. If I was smarter I would have met him in April, but things happen for a definite reason. Now dont get it twisted, I am not playing Chantes Got a Man. Ok I am but only because I really really like that song. But I am excited to date a person who has the same enthusiasm as I do about getting to know someone. I dont typically follow horoscopes and the like but I thought this was interesting. This was my Tarot card reading for yesterday:

The Eight of Swords card suggests that you might have to put yourself out there, set your boundaries or prove yourself. Be willing to sacrifice your pride or take a risk in order to escape unhealthy circumstances. You may not see an immediate way out and may claim that your hands are tied in order to avoid accountability, but absolving yourself of responsibility for your situation leave you trapped or isolated. Until you see with your heart and assert your independence, you could remain burdened by your own unrealistic expectations, fear, guilt or embarrassment.

It pretty much sums up my decision to remove the self imposed restrictions on who I dated. As my friends can tell you, Love Monkey can be a Love Ass at times. I wanted perfection and missed out on some guys who were not perfect but possibly perfect for me. This time I removed my inane oppressive standards and let things flow. I'm not sure where this is headed, but waking up next to him is a great start.

And E. Thank you babe...see you tonight.

Ok this for me to read in the coming months and either laugh that I was this overly sensitive or cry myself to sleep that I am still in this rut. Its awesome to know love and live it with a man who meets your every need. But the horrible truth of life is that all things come to an end and you have no control over the timing. So now single and wanting to love again, I am conflicted on what I would need a man to give me to be happy. Hell can a man even do that? Ive been without for so long I have no idea how to express my needs and not sound either aloof or needy and desperate. I am the common denominator and I need to find out what I am doing to garner the same results time after time.

I refuse to believe my appearance plays a role as I am considerable attractive. I work and pretty much take care of my bills. I have laughter and wit. And a sex drive to be envied. All that is hidden behind a self induced bravado that may be displeasing to the guys I meet. I decided to open my arena and live what I claim I am. I state I am open to all men, but that has not been my experience. I have primarily dated Latin and Caucasian men based on my concocted idea that they somehow were more in tune with what I want. Lately I have been heading out to more and more black clubs and bars and that has garnered a worst state of lowered self esteem. Black men honestly do not approach or even give me the time of day. There is a stench that permeates my being and details my past in a perfunctory mist that makes me naked to any man with any degree of discernment. I wear a Clorox drenched SQ around my neck with little hope it seems of removing it. Its not that I really want to remove it if it is anything less than a honest desire to evolve further into the guy I want to be. And the stubborn asshole that lives in my head would want to know why I feel the need to change anyway.

Its not really fair to assign the fault, if there is any, on brothers for my pain from rejection. I never attempted to connect with them so why should I expect any other result?

I wish I could share this pain and get insight but in my arrogance and more so my fear I cant talk about this to anyone. While I have been changing and moving past my issues, my associates have taken residence in their dysfunction and would be of little valued assistance. Maybe thats the issue. I decided to be superman and forgot the pain it involves. I sucks to be a bastion of wisdom for many and have very little to speak to your own world.

I think I am seriously considering my earlier vow to give up on the hopes of a loving relationship and live for me. Ha what the hell that means is so lost on me I cant even begin to make a move in any direction. I just need to move though; Ive been round this mountain for far too long.

This has no purpose other than getting this out and off my chest. Hoping that the release will in some inexplicable way free me to love live and laugh like I lie and say I do now.

Wowlong weekend filled with more activity than planned but so drastically different than my previous outings I have to say it was well worth the exhaustion, well almost. Connected with some friends I dont get to see that often and it was nothing short of awesome. They truly filled that void I spoke of in my previous blogs. The wild part is there is not feasible way to merge my two sets of friends. The point and drive of each is diametrically opposed to the other and would be sure to be drama filled. But in any case, Ive set up an insane series of get togethers with them in upcoming months that have me as excited as a faggot with a bag of dicks.

I ran into an old friend in the village who I always suspected was gay but out of respect for the life he chose I refrained from pushing the matter. He has been married with children and all the trimmings since Ive known him. However, time and honest emotions dictated that he needed to end his marriage and finally live the life he was born to live, as an openly gay man. It was refreshing to see someone come into truth, but equally devastating to see what toll this has taken on his life. Im sure we all know or know of someone who has found themselves in this scenario. Do me a huge favor and when you pray to the source of your inner strength, call out the name Michael. I positioned myself to be there for him but Im sure his soul can use all the reassure it can get at this point.

This has been a blazing example of the turmoil many gays and lesbians go through in an inane attempt to conform to who they think they need to be. Once again, in my old world values, no man, woman, church, political party or what the fuck ever has the right to tell you what defines you. Only you alone can establish that in the earth and never waver from it as long as it based in truth.

Life is a series of perspectives. Nothing looks the same the day after it happens. Time, circumstances and rationalization will alter what you feel, see or thought. I went to bed in the throes of a tortured emotional coma. This was all based on incidents and conversation from the days prior. But last night I listened to soothing music as I slept and it silently connected with my inner sanctum. I woke up and the brightness of the sun light burned my eyes and everything was covered in the dew of new possibilities. Nothing about my situations had changed, but my perspective of those situations was drastically altered. Based purely on the fact that what I am going through right now can not change where I am ultimately headed, it is not a real issue.

I feel renewed, refreshed and more importantly freed!! I realize that there is nothing brought into my life that does not have a season. Whether its a Test, Temporal or to Remain.everything and everyone has its purpose and unique design for that space and time. I just needed to recognize it and not try to revive a dead situation.

There is one song that has been stuck in my head all morning:

Aint no need in worrying
what the night is gonna bring,
itll be all over in the morning.

Theres a fear of night fall,
when darkeness comes and covers all the day.
Sometimes we feel pain,
but there are things that we can change, just pray.

Aint no need in worrying
what the night is gonna bring,
itll be all over in the morning.

Troubles come, but they do past,
heartaches, hurts, oh but, they dont last always.
Sometimes we feel pain,
but there are things that we can change, just pray.

This needs to be told while it is fresh to me. I want a man to love me. Thats it!! I dont expect anything more and definitely will not accept anything less. I am worthy of real love, but when I see friends reveling in the bliss of temporal emotional bliss I long to share in the party. And I do, but who I am will not let it last. I cant settle for what Im handed simply because there are no other prospects. Especially when I know I worth more than that. My standards are high yes, but not impossible.

I am attractive, personable, open minded, funny as hell, muy inteligente, stable, sexually robust and willing to go to the wire for the man in my world. All thats well and good except one thing, I cant find a man who can see that. I really think lowering my standards would be an uncorrectable wrong. I have dealt with dregs and it is not a pretty existence. Ive also had the guys who had all but the necessary chemistry to keep my flame burning. Its more hurtful now that I finally recognize I am worthy of love. I head out night after night after night expecting a new result and I ultimately end up in my bed alone and unsatisfied. This cycle is becoming detrimental to my happiness and I have no idea how to fix it. I am who I am and thats an awesome son of a bitch. How do I make a man notice me and want me for more than an amazing lay? When will a man see the fantastic catch I am? These are not statements of arrogance, but regurgitated comments from the friends who I trust.

Weary doesnt come close to my current state. Depressed would be an improvement. Its funny as hell that I tunes just started playing the Spinners It Takes a Foollol. Irony rules!!! This song details in searing words that love for its splendor and warm fuzzy feelings is a cruel and unforgiving mutha fucka.

Sucking it up and moving on is getting old and in all honesty.Im tired. I have been loveless longer than I care to recount and I have nothing left. You know what, Im giving up!!! I cant keep running into steel walls and being strong. These bruises are real an not getting any easier to heal. I cant let myself be bitter, since its equally destructive. But I can fade into the background and live life as a truly single gay man. For all my new found self awareness, I learned that I am not immune to the ills of life and they are necessary evils to humble myself.

I give up to save my sanity.

I give up to spare my heart anguish.

I give up to keep my soul flying.

But above all I give up to save me.

Im home after a great weekend in Boston with my roomie. I am not a fan of vacation; I just never really saw the need to do it. I live on the go and that has been my mantra for the longest time. I am planning on more time away for myself. While it was a time of reflection and relaxation, I was immediately aware that my walk in life has taken me further and further away from where I want to be ethnically. I was hanging with an awesome group of people and I pray they dont feel maligned by this Blog.

Im not sure if Im the last to know this about myself or if Im making a mountain out of a mole hill, but I have kinda white washed my life and gravitated a more European existence. The bars I frequent are in Chelsea, my dress more Abercrombie then Akademiks, my lovers more Chad and Brad then Juan and Rakim. I dont know when it began but it has become more the norm than an exception. Many of my most cherished moments are drawn directly from my experiences as a lil negro child. This weekend I made the comment that I was not a huge fan of the Fourth due the racism that was written in the Constitution. This wasnt an actual complaint, more a general comment. I noticed it was lost on my friends and I stuck a cord with me. Im still processing the weekend and want to make sure my response is concise and relevant. But anyone who can give me feedback on this please hit me up. This is a delicate conversation; I would prefer to have one on one.

Love and kisses.

I have some friends who think I should write more. I am way too timid to jump into thid without some validation from people who dont worship the ground I stide upon. Just kidding. I walk not stide. Anyway, here is a clip of something Im working on. Hit me with your hardcore honest feedback. Ignore grammar and spelling...im a tad bit tipsy. Thanks

The phone rings and I pray its not him calling to cancel. Damn...its him. Hes calling 5 minutes before he is supposed to pick me uphe is so calling to cancel. Maybe if I dont answer he will not be cold enough to cancel via voicemail. Yeah right, we fucked in the bathroom of Paradise the first night we met. His ass can and will drop my ass as quick as he fucked it. UGGGGHH.

"Hello."

"What up man?"

"Umm...Not much, just waiting for you."

"Oh shit. Thats tonight? Im so.."

I cant believe this mutha fucka. His ass just asked me to dinner last night. I hear him talking but I have no idea what he is saying. This is what I get for dating trifling ass men. The silence brings me back to the realization this punk has stopped talking.

"Dont stress it. No problem at all. Thanks for the 3 minute thrill."

I hung up and breathed a sigh of relief. And then cry tears of regret and go into the usual inner conversation: Why cant someone give a damn about me? Whats wrong with me? Im not a god but Im far from a dog. I meet them and things go along fine. Then out of nowhere this kind bullshit begins. I take off my pants and shirt, throwing them on the floor. Why keep a clean home if it just you? I head to the bathroom and open the cabinet.

"Lets see which one of you girls will it be tonight?"

I decide the little yellow pill will be my lover tonight. I move into the living room and pour the wine I uncorked for him. I pop my pill, down the wine turn on the TV and watch it all fade into a blur.

"HELLO!!! YO D!!! Wake your ass up and let me in!!!"

This is the first sound that cuts through my haze and it is far from what I want to hear at 7 am. I stumble to the door and on the other side bathed in blinding Atlanta sunlight is Carlos. If you take all the gay sterotypes, put them inside of 6'2" of Puerto Rican manhood and added a touch of hood...you got Los.

For the past three years he has been coming to my house for one of his three main meals. He has been my boy since college, when he outed me to our friends at a frat party. I was shocked he said it but even more shocked when he said we were fucking and he would fuck up anyone who messed with me. Granted the closest I had come to being screwed at that point was a finger I popped in my ass while I masturbated. And if all stories were true.he is holding a hell of a lot more than a index finger. We have been inseparable since then, but right now I just wanted to crawl back in bed and sleep until December.

"Damn!! You look like youve been hit by an ugly bus"

"Thanks, you have a fantastic way with words. What do you want negro?"

"Nothing, I was in the neighborhood and thought I would see what was in your refrigerator."

I groan "Whatever" as I headed back to my room with plans for sleep, but the insane throb of music begins to pour from my stereo as Carlos truly makes himself at home. I stepped into the bathroom and figured I might as well wash last nights drama off and get ready for work. I turned on the water and while I waited for it to get hot I looked in the mirror and cringed. Super sized bags under bloodshot eyes stared back at me. Right now, I look every one of my 34 years and then some. I dropped my pants and took off my shirt. All the while admiring my tight taunt gym molded body. What man would not want this? I would screw me. Hell I have. I step in the shower and the hot water cascades over my weary body, pulling away fatigue and replacing it with renewed vigor.

I wash and step out to the aroma of bacon, toast and I think eggs. Times like this make me wish Carlos and I could be lovers. We were always there for each other no matter what. He and I tried to hook up a while back, but he saw me as a little brother more than husband material. I was hurt, but he was way too good of a friend to let him walk away. I got dressed and walked downstairs and Carlos was gone. The kitchen was holy mess as usual, but the table was set and he left me a note:

D, Thanks for breakfast, enjoy yours. Whoever the negro is that sent you to bed with alcohol dream lost out on a good thing. You are more than any man could want. Plus you got that phat ass. Ill call you later. Los

As I played with my food, I thought about the line of men who has crossed my path and tried to make sense of it all. That lasted all of two minutes, cuz if I had that answer I wouldnt be eating alone.

Pulling into the parking garage, I decided to just get through the day and connect with my friends later. Just as I step on the elevator and push the button someone yells for me to hold the door. A well dressed white guy jumps through the doors and issues the complimentary "Thanks." He pushes his floor and we glide in silence upward to our destinations. I am not into white men but I had to admit this boy was sexy. Thick dirty blond hair cut into a style typically seen in Abercrombie ads. He was shorter than me but it fit him perfectly. I cleared my throat and I was captured by the most amazing ice blue eyes. I tied to look away but my ass got stuck. Thank God the chime of the elevator came and I stepped off. As I did, he said "Have a good day." I turned to return the wishes and all I caught was glimpse of his smile as the door closed.

As I walked through the office, the thoughts of my blue eyed wet dream drift away. Lost in the clamor of key stokes, ringing phones and conversations about the weekend. I get to my office and true to form Diana isnt there. She my assistant but the girl is never there to assist. I would fire her but mother would kill me for firing family. I page my cousin over the PA system, "Diana..if you dont get your..." You can guess the rest. I step into my office and begin my day.

This is my world and I have to say I love it. I started a basic marketing company in college and after 5 year of working for nightclubs and some record companies. It exploded into one of the fastest growing businesses in Atlanta. Complete with highend clients, a Buckhead address and invites to every hot event in the state. Diana bounces into my office and flops down in a chair.

"Whats up Cuz?!?!"

"Where have you been? Why do I need you if I am answering my own phone?"

"Chill D. You are way too uptight. If you was getting some, yo ass would be more relaxed."

"Im sorry, but I think you have gotten enough for us all. Now I need you to do your job and keep you comments about my personal life to yourself."

She struts out the office mumbling something under her breath and slams the door. Just then my phones rings, its Carlos. "

Yo. You need to go to my house and clean the kitchen. I aint your mother."

"True that. My mother is prettier. What are you doing for lunch? I have an early day today and wanted to check out this new Brazilian spot."

"Aiight. I meet you at 2 downstairs."

I hang up and dive into my day. Two oclock is here before I know it. As I leave, I tell Diana to forward my calls to my cell phone. I head to the elevator and looking forward to the drinks that are customary with my lunches with Carlos. I reach the bottom floor and see my friend taking to the UPS man. As I approach, I can tell hes more than talking. More like negotiating his way into those well fitted brown shorts. I walk up and kiss him.

"Hi baby. Ready for lunch?"

The UPS guys laughs and walks off for his next delivery.

"That was fucked up D. Just because you aint getting none, dont hate on me."

"That's cute, like you are worthy of my hate. Ha Ha lets eat boy."

I just read an article that said there are about 150 transformation ministries in the US alone. These are those groups who claim they can Heal you and Set you free from your unnatural lusts. More and more prominent preachers are using the pulpit to push a doctrine of exclusion. For some reason the fact that I am gay removes me from the heart of God according to them. While the adulterers, thieves and liars are floating toward heaven unblemished.

I dont seek any affirmation from man, because you cant give me any measure of salvation. Most of the conversion groups are trying to validate themselves by collecting people who typically are not happy with themselves. Kinda like not wanting to drink alone, so you surround yourself with drinkers. I wonder how many people eventually go back to the life they left. How many women are hurt by men who were degayed and then married and are now sneaking out for random hookups at rest stops? What about the suicides from being horribly unhappy with living a lie? Dysfunction attracts dysfunction. I wish you the best in your journey to being straight, but I think Imma keep on easing down the road.

Loving a man is as natural as breathing to me. This is not an easy life to live, but I dont have a choice. I have been a big ole homo for almost 20 years and nothing is gonna change. Please stop using the Bible to push your own agendas. Without a doubt I am blessed and highly favored of the Lord and guess what....I am gay. He knew me in the womb and has laid out a fantastic plan for my life and hello...I am gay. He called me by name and set my feet in high places and yes I am still gay.

If you have any point of reference for me, you know I have an insane love of true singing divas. Something about Anita singing Rapture or Patti reminding me about My Friend rips emotions from my heart no amount of Wellbutrin can stifle. Even as I type this Martha Wash is telling me to Hold On and I wait with baited breath for my next tune on this musical rollercoaster. This has been a constant for as long as I can remember and its also what brings me back to the place where I know love is possible. Granted Beyonce and the rest of the new wave of over produced, well packaged and under talented ladies have a place in music history. For me their place is to remind me just how far we've moved from falling in love to simply loving each other. I doubt seriously years from now Cater To You will hold the same emotional impact as The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face. How amazing is it to tell the person you are with you will never forget the first time you saw them? Or being open enough to say I Love, Need and Want You Baby and have it stand as the absolute truth.

All this is connected to my desire to date again. Well in all honesty to simply date, because in retrospect Ive never done it. I came out, fucked many men and then hardcore love was in my face at 19. We lasted almost 10 years, because Luther taught me that A House was not a Home without him. Life pushed us apart and I found myself in a strange land of instant lovers. This was all too strange, so I reverted to the only thing I knew, Living all Alone. Yeah I had sex, but I could not find a soul who understood the relationship that I wanted was nothing less than old school. I connected with a couple guys, but ultimately who we were in bed eventually overwhelmed who we were to each other. Lesson learn...just because my dick feels good in a man, does not mean he feels good in my life.

I look at myself now and I can say that I have had only one true relationship, but I have had many boyfriends. And there is a difference. Maybe thats the problem, boyfriend by the nature of the word details immaturity and a state of platonic commitment. The temporal mindset that is pervasive in the community now has eclipsed the joy of getting to know, learning to love and deciding to commit to one man for life. At the glorious age of 34, I dont want to be anyones boyfriend. I know in practice you have to shuffle the deck many times before you find your king. I'm open to playing the game, but excuse me if I bring my own cards to the table.

The longer I walk down this road the deeper my appreciation for who we are as gay men. Yes gay. Not same gender loving man or any of that other bullshit we use to soften the reality we suck dick for our friends, family and mainly for ourselves. I was born into a mix of old school and new school sensibilities thanks to the crazy ass people in my family. So I was raised with a sincere reverence for Sissies and Faggots simply because I was told Honey they are not to be fucked with!!! Its that concept that shaped my life as I decided at 13 to recognize my sexuality. I never felt the need for a coming out, I was too arrogant. My assumption was that since none of my brothers and sisters announced they were straight why did I need to announce I was gay? I am blessed to have rediscovered that degree of self esteem and now understand that many people do not have a point of reference for that kind of attitude.

I have never been what you would consider a stereotypical gay man so my coming out was less than spectacular. Hell most didnt know until I was in my 20s. There was no visible shift in appearance or friends. I still played sports and hung with my boys. Absolutely nothing about DJ changed except I was more open about who I slept with the night before. But because there was no changes in the other parts of my life, friends and family could easily accept that I was gay. Peoples degree of comfort with gays is dictated with how it impacts their own life. Will I have grandkids? What if he starts liking me? This is selfishness personified and not your issue. I am blessed with a in your face personality so I refused to let someones on bullshit rub off on me. If you aint fucking, financing or feeding me your damn opinion dont mean shit. Got that one from my Granny. But thats not the reality for a large part of the gay community.

Many of my brothers who favor arched eyebrows, Chanel perfume and pumps lived through the hell of family, friends and school only to find themselves in a new kind of hell in the community that is supposed to support them. I have seen many femme guys shitted on by supposed butch guys who are somehow threatened by a man in tight pants and lip gloss. Its interesting that I primarily see it in our community. We, who have struggled and suffered indifference for the majority of our history in this world, have the audacity to create a new ism to use again someone. Being a minority in a country that does not really care about us, you would figure we would be more loving, but more often than not we send our own off hurting and disenfranchised. You would think that being gay in a community that does not include us we would welcome all as we fight for a place at the table of humanity. We the oppressed have actively chosen to be the oppressor.

Lately I have been thinking that for all the frills and sparkle, how much more of a man are my femme brothers for pushing it through day after day with no apologies. See I can throw on some gear and my T is my secret. But for them, to be anything less than fierce in dress, walk and actions would be to deny a basic human need to be happy with who they are. I am of the thought that those who make a concerted effort to hide all traces of their proclivity to love a man are in many ways more of a punk than any queen on Christopher. Our voice will never be fully heard until it is harmonized with all our voices...butch and femme alike.

Have you ever met someone who would be your perfect mate; however timing and circumstances dictate a completely different relationship? I met mine about twp years ago and now he is writing the next chapter of his life in Spain. Selfishly I want him to stay with me and we spend more time loving and being there for each other, but my love for him stops me from being anything less than a true friend. The rest of this blog is for my husband.

Baby, I have loved you since the day I met you at Splash and knew you would be a huge part of my world. While I will miss our times in the kitchen talking about our tomorrows, my soul rejoices that you are seeing your tomorrows on your terms. Yeah I want more to go cups and trips to god knows where, but I want you to share the man I love with the world because we need more men like you. Franco, you are all I needed you to be and I can never thank you enough. No matter the situation, you were there for me with no judgment. Now its my turn to be there for you. I love you more than I imagined I would. Ill miss you more than I thought possible. Even as I type this my eyes burn with tears and my heart aches with the desire to keep you close. But this is a necessary step in your life that I cant physically accompany you in, but know I am with you every step of the way. Spread your wings and fly baby. Paw Paw will be less than without you but oh so much better because of you. Live Love and Laugh as you find out what I have always known.you are worthy.

Worthy of the love you give.
Worthy of the strength you convey.
And worth of the joy you impart.

You are my husband bar none.I love you more than you will ever know. I will refuse to cry when you board your plane, but I will weep silently for my loss. Ill look forward to your renewed spirit when we see each other again. Remember.never doubt what you mean to me and who you are to me. Love you Ronald Franco no matter the distance or time, you are one of my closest and dearest friends. I loves you Porgie.

Whoa.that was hard. Anybody who knows me knows that Franco is my heart. Its a double edged swordloving him and letting him soar. There is a place permanently reserved for him that none can ever come close to. He is my baby...He is my FilapeenAnd I love him. I pray angels grant him safe journey in all his travels and he come home better than he ever imagine.

Proverbs 18
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closet than a brother

***I get the impression from the comments that people think Ron and I were actually a couple. We were not together,but he holds a huge place in my heart.***

My desire to be a part of a couple has once again been dashed against the rocks of bullshit. I know I know...we just met. But I saw such potential in him that my hopes were raised past skepticism and bordered on optimism. Yeah its sad that an awesome guy(I never said this but friends have convinced me its true) cant seem to find a man who can appreciate what I have to offer. Kiam has pretty much disappeared from the scope. I refuse to be That Guy. You know the one who refuses to take a hint that you are not interested, so he calls, emails and text you continuously until you are oblivious to his existence. So I called email and texted him and he has not responded. The good part is this has not hindered me, its his lost. No honestly its his lost. (This is becoming an ad for the virtues of DJ) I am an old school kinda man, who will give you the wildest desires of you heart. No questions asked. Give me love and my world opens to you. I got that Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis kind of love in my heart. If you dont catch that vibeagain its your loss. Anywhoto those who read my blogs, if you know a man who is about more than the usual BS the dating typically includes.help a brother out. I got way too much love to keep pouring it on myself.

DJ

I have been listening to the music from The Color Purple this morning as I am a lover of the book, the play and Mother Oprah, so I am having a little orgy at my desk. But there is a song, Too Beautiful for Words, that has challenged how I relate to my friends and family. I can often get lost in being a tad bit cunty and witty and not recognizing my comments, while funny for the moment, have a residual effect on people who are looking for validation or confirmation. The same concept of positive affirmation I apply to myself is equally lifting to people around me.

Here are the lyrics.

SHUG
You not ugly. You the grace of God if us ever see it.
You don't believe me.
Miss Celie . . . Miss Celie, look here. Look at yourself.

I've always been the kind of gal that had a lot to say.

I says the things thats on my mind, too dumb to shy away.

But you hush my mouth and still me with a song Ive never heard.

I guess that means that you are just too beautiful for words.

Ive seen this life from high and low and all thats in between.

I Danced with Dukes, Crooned with Counts, Been courted like a Queen.

But when I see whats in your heart, all the rest is blurred.

The grace you bring into this world is too beautiful for words.

You hide your head under your wing just like a little bird.

Oh, dont you know youre beautiful, too beautiful for words?

Oh Celie, youre too beautiful for words.

Ive met a guy who has captured my interest beyond a great smile and cute ass. Ok I need to be more precise about this. We met online and chatted a couple times. Tonight was our first phone call and we kinda wandered all over the place, but the intensity was always present. In the words of prisoner 435332"Its a Good Thing"!!! I know it's new and I dont really know him, but the possibility is the exciting part. Not just with Kiam but with whomever.

Im past the fear and hesitation, cuz it only kept me from finding the one who is for me. Beginning to build something beyond a physical attraction is a feeling to be lived by all. Yeah I wanted to roll around with him until we were both sweat covered and spent, but then what? There is life after the orgasm. I recently offered the advice that one of the steps in developing who you are is a disassociation of what you do and who you are. Yes I am a great fuck, but oh so much better outside the bedroom. I can be the life of the party, but I am at my best in my quiet moments. I will not let the fantastic person I know I am be boxed in by who people see me as. That being said, my mindset for dating has to abide by the same guidelines. I am open to what life brings me, but I dont have to accept it all. That was my light bulb moment. Having a closed list of what would make me "happy" destined me to a miserable existence. My heart has been cleared from all my previous "loves" and has been prepped for the one who can claim it on my terms. Ill keep you posted on Kiam. Yeah thats his name and he thinks I'm funny.

No seriously, I really am funny as hell....

Hi baby. How was your day? Thats nice. Can we talk real quick? I was thinking today that I have learned a lot about myself while you were fucking me over. I learned that the silent resolve to hate you for what you did to me was an effective tool to hate the part of me that allowed it. You see, I used that rage to dig out that needy little fuck I was when you met me and found a true man underneath the labels. So now its my game. You dont have to worry; I wont do to you what you did to me. Two reasons, youre not worth it and Im better than thatnow. I want to thank you for calling me ugly, it made me see that my real beauty had nothing to do with my caramel skin or deep brown eyes. You beat me down so bad all I could do was look in and ha ha ha thats where I found the true me. Strong and proud. More than a good fuck. Way more. Who the hell do you think you are to treat a guy like me less than the man I am? No real man would want you. I know. I know. I worshipped the ground you walk on and all that. Even washed your skid marked draws. Youll have to excuse me; I was weak and thought I needed you to complete me. But I was always complete; I just could not see the finishing piece, self respect. Got that now and baby its all thanks to you. So Imma grab my shit, cuz me and Love dont live here no more. Ill see you around Im sure, so dont be a stranger. You might not recognize me though. Ill give you a clue; Im the brother with his head up and smiling. This is the end to that chapter.nah this is the end to the damn book. And its all thanks to you. So thank you for fucking my friends. It helped me see who my true friends are. And you might wanna get testedTre doesnt always play safe. Thats why we havent fucked in weeks. Thank you for never covering your part of the bills, now I know I can make it on my own. By the way all this shit will be turned off later today. And most of all thank you for the 3 minute thrill you called making love, now I REALLY know what I dont want. HA HA HA. Im sorry. That was a bit harsh.

Dont be sad. Use this experience as your tool to find the man behind the boy. Im sure hes there; I just cant wait for him to show up. Bye.

Life is meant to be savored like a well aged cognac. Thanks to an Imp's encouragement I am smelling every damn flower I pass. Its amazing what you miss in life when you are running around like a madman. Im not sure if my new pill has enabled this or my personal edict to live for me has caused this, but its a feeling I dont want to end. Dont get it twisted the meds are a means to an end and I love the fact this mindset is championed by my doctor. Coping skills and realizations are a gateway to even greater happiness for me. This is not a well known fact but aside from my bravado I have a horrible sense of self esteem. I used to not see value in who I was apart from the performance I acted out day after day. Never any thoughts of harming myself physically, but I was addicted to emotional suicide. Time after time, I would sabotage any glimmer of peace in my world. No matter how minute, I refused to let sun shine on me in any way. I was content with an internal mediocre existence. Well baby...Ms XL, as I like to call her, has settled the uneasiness and cracked the door on some shit I was not willing to deal with. Its deep to face hell and have no place to hide for cover. I guess Im built for the fight cuz Im winning and my scars are few. Actually who I am is enough to cause demons to flee. I have humanized the demons to make it more real as I'm not a fan of abstract but a reveler in all things actual. So now when Doubt, Fear, Self Loathing and the gang show up I can call them by name and get ready to kick ass. I learned from all the Holy Ghost Filled women in my life that the power of life and death is in my mouth. Whatever I speak over my life will become fact. Each negative thought I give fertile ground to become a choking weed to my growth. I have been stunted since about the 9th grade and the growth while progressive is far behind where I needed it to be. In a verbal exercise, I had to proclaim life into dead situations.
I am worth more than what the world tries to value me at.
If love does not find its way into my life, I am enough to make myself happy. My family is a necessity not a luxury.
My sexuality is an adjective to describe me but it does not define me.

There are many more but those are for me.

Thanks D for the love.....

The Love Monkey is living laughing and loving like there is a tomorrow.

Sitting here listen to Anita explain a fantastic scenario of a woman telling a man she wants to get serious after she discovers he is a great guy, I find myself transfixed on loves that have come and gone. I am inexplicable transported from my apartment into a place where I can face where I missed chances to build what may have been the love affair of my life. The difference is now I have new definitions of what love is. I cant use the word affair or dating, they are definite by the restrictions they put on a relationship. I now use partnership or simply relationship. These terms are open-ended and free of restraints. Fairy tales of a white knight riding in on his trusty steed are only fitting for little girls before bed, however now I see the horse for what it is. See that damn horse in all its splendor is part of the package. If I take the man, I will also be accepting his horse(emotional baggage, ex boyfriends, his insecurity and a laundry list of drama) No man is exempt from that reality, so just imagine how fucked up a person has to be in order to ignore his crap and attempt to complete me. I cant deal with my own demons effectively, how he could slay those dragons is unimaginable. Give me a man who can openly admit his flaw and knows that only he can change them if he wants to change them at all.

I think thats what made He Whos Name I Dare Not Speak so amazing to me. He was, and I assume still is, ridiculously open about how he was flawed and a work in progress. Not as a cry for help, but more so full disclosure. His side effects were labeled and presented to me for final approval before I prescribed his love to my heart. This action freed me to share all of me good bad and worst. This can only be done with a level of comfort established after many honest moments of conversation and first hand witnessing of each others flaws. Now dont get it twisted, some shit is more than I could comfortably handle but I endeared me more to him than it repelled. Now that its over, Im fighting being open again. I have made HUGE strides and at least I can tell people how I feel, but the one on one relationship dynamic is frightening. I am at a lost how to use my throttle when is comes to expressing myself. The floodgates are either open fully or shut so tight nothing is getting in or out. This was my mistake with Jason. Fantastic guy who was a dream to be with, but my mouth turned it into a nightmare. After a couple weeks of hanging out and insane sex, in a moment dripping with gin and tonic, I said the dreaded words: I love you!! Now my intention was to say:

J. I love hanging out with you. You are becoming a good friend and Im glad we can do stuff together. I like the person you are. Blah blah blah.

However he heard:

J. I want to start having sex bareback. I want to meet your parents and tell them we are getting married in P-Town next week. I want to adopt kids.

And thus the death of what was the beginning of a good relationship.

Lets see then there was Chris who I thought was the second coming of Christ.Not. Lets just say that my desire to have a man blinded me to his predilection to shuffling men like a dealer in Vegas. One week we where dating and things were going ok, then he said we were moving too fast and wanted to be friends. This was kewl with menot really but it was. I attended his housewarming and promptly he introduced me to Tristanhis new boyfriend. That was a night spent at the bottom of a bottle of Bacardi and with a cheese platter. Another glowing example of lack of honesty and communicationall I had to do was fight harder for him to tell me his truth and I would have know I was a fantastic addition to his collection.

Im saying all this to say, the reason I have not be really sucessful in dating is I have not "divorced" myself from the guys in my past. I maintain contact with most of them, so unconscienously I have not closed the door fully on the lingering hope that there is chance for rekindling. The time is over for this, I need to clean out my heart and head to make room . For what or who, im not sure. But as a former Boy Scout, ok I'm still a boy scout, I will be prepared.

I guess my new prescription has opened up a vault I long assumed was closed. Just as a bit of a warning.the next couple blogs will be generated by the new filing system being organized by my Wellbutrin XL. Its great to pour out my emotions again. And this time...my cup is actually getting empty. Love ya

Nothing's wrong...I just wanted to yell and I'm at work They kinda frown on things like that. Im off tomorrow and have no idea what to do!!!! HELP ME. I dont take vacations and rarely miss work. I know I have an insane loyalty to my job. Also I think im a tad bit lame, but if you EVER say it to my face "Baby...We gonna Dance!" So whats a Love Monkey to Do?? Hit me with suggestions.

Love ya. Not really all of you only the people who I really love understand they are loved by me. To the other people I kinda sorta like you. Ha Ha

Im silly cuz its my friday bitches!!!!

Nothing's wrong...I just wanted to yell and I'm at work They kinda frown on things like that. Im off tomorrow and have no idea what to do!!!! HELP ME. I dont take vacations and rarely miss work. I know I have an insane loyalty to my job. Also I think im a tad bit lame, but if you EVER say it to my face "Baby...We gonna Dance!" So whats a Love Monkey to Do?? Hit me with suggestions.

Love ya. Not really all of you only the people who I really love understand they are loved by me. To the other people I kinda sorta like you. Ha Ha

Im silly cuz its my friday bitches!!!!

The weekend is off to a fantastic start. Dinner with friends last night was an amazing treat. Laughs love and lipstick. Anywho...I had a moment last night that I need to get out. Its more so for my benefit. But if you can get something from it kewl

There are honestly people who can be everything to everyone and still manage to be themselves. As you may know I had an issue with this a few months back and rather than adapt to it...I decided to kill that part of me. I have been better for it but I assumed it was a universal evil that no one could master. I was proven wrong last night. My friend flowed throughout the party and catered to the myriad of personalities and issues in the room effortlessly. The part that had me awed was the fact he never lost himself in his dealings with the guests. While the subject and intensity rose and fell; his personal truths never wavered. We were forced to accept him on his terms and there was no negotiation. It was not in a negative way, but a silent resolution of him. We all had the same conclusion, but we all traveled different paths to get there. It was an epiphany for me to know that I can be an addition to someones life and not feel the need to assume their life. I dont think I have that strength right now, so I'll maintain my course. But I love options!!!

Ok time to finish this glass of wine and hit the road...love and kisses.

DJ

The week is almost done and the Love Monkey plans on working things out this weekend on somebody's dance floor! Baby.... I need to dance until my soul sings, my knees hurt and my clothes are soaked. WHOA!!! It has been a long ass week.

Mergers, Managers and Numbers Oh My!!!

I hope whoever is stalkin my ass and reads this has a fantastic weekend. Actually...I so dont know why Im doing this, call me at 732-822-4132 and let me know where you will be and maybe we can connect. Or just feel free to call and say WHATS UP!?!?!

And as always if you see my Sexy Chocolate Ass on the streets, call me I cant find it anywhere. LRQ(Laugh Real Quiet..LOL is so 2001) Im just kidding, its in the car. But feel free to show me some love. I don't bite....usually. Ok I will bite you but I'm a Love Monkey, its one of the things we do. And the best part is you get to chose where.

Catch ya later.

Several Beers later...this is what I know

I try my best to be open to all that comes my way, but the single most infuriating emotion or incident of insane inconsideration makes me think "Kicking his ass will be worth a night in Jail!!!"

Check this...... I know a person who lives a life of excess but also a monstrous amount of minimums. He has no traditional job, because he really does not need to work. He sleeps until noon or later, because a schedule is not his norm. And lives a life filled with nights of drunken stupor and chemically enhanced moments. Im not hating, but its not the life destined for me. I live in a world were people work Monday through Friday and pretty much don't venture out much until the weekends. Call me old fashion...and Ill kick your teeth in..Ha. But for me it works. I invite him out and he silently and occasionally verbally shits on my choice of weeknight activities. I was initially upset, but it gave me a chance to check his honest level of tolerance and he has none (Based on my barometer). The entire night he sighs heavily and says continuously "Oh My god this so boring". Honey wake up!!! We all are not fortunate enough to live a jetset life. I apologize my meager existence does not meet your expectation, but for me it suits my life to be home before sunrise and almost sober during the week. (working on the sober part)

Enjoy your life and Ill enjoy mine, but save the judgment for someone else. My life is just what I need it to be and I live it with no fucking apologies!!!

To the people who might read my blogs and see me as an over depressive, way too intense person....not!!! This is only one side of a multifaceted wonderful man named Darren J Major. Im just finally able to talk openly about the hell in my world. Im chilling with my "family" and enjoying food fun and laughs....life is great right!!! Thank you Romanian for reminding me of who I need to be in order to be HAPPY!!!!

This is to a person who will probably never read this but I need to release my fucking anger here as opposed to whipping his punk ass. Ever meet someone who is transparently fucked up, but ignorant enough to think he is camouflaged?

Baby let The Love MOnkey tell you a story.... have a friend who lives in a world where he is the sole inhabitant. Unemployed, yet claims to be be grand. Unfocused, yet judgmental to those who are facing cross roads.

The saddest part is we have tolerated his bullshit for so long, he has become a joke. Sad but true..I have lowered myself to mocking him openly and his ignorant ass refuses to believe I am talking about him. Well needless to say that he is considered a nonentity in my world. My tolerance for bullshit is low and his for honest is non existent.

Oh well!!

If you have the chance to hug someone do it.
Saying I love you only takes about 3 seconds, say it often and mean it when you do.
Smiles should be handed out randomly and frequently.
Tomorrow is a gift many people will never open......

Peaceful Journey Papa Despaigne.

I'm a destined to be a superhero for my friends and family. Its a role I have been running from but its a reoccurring theme for me. I can handle it now, because I am handling my own villains first. Looking for the Louis Lane to my Superman is pretty high on the list. This time around Im actually gonna try more unconventional methods of choosing him. At one point I wanted Drew the Sequel and held men to this unfair expectation of gay saintly perfection. He was perfect for the time we were together, but that was years ago and my needs have evolved. So then I took the good things of the relationship and added them to a list of ideals and voila.I had the perfect formula for love. I was oh so wrong!! Almost as wrong as I was when I thought blond hair was a cute look for me.

The internet is producing an insane wave of Cyber- Jackasses that seem to think they are exempt from honesty and morals. So they detail what they want and who they are only to be so far from their emails and text messages, you find yourself connected to a Demon in Dolce. But then there are those who bend themselves to fit your profile to the letter and are just a bit too perfect. Stalker boy who memorizes your favorites and they become his. He has no opinion on anything unless you give it to him. The poor man cant make plans or a decision unless he has you for a point of reference. Contractions and flaws are hot!!! Why would I want to date my mirror image??? I'm crazy as hell, I couldnt date me no matter how I hot I know I am ?!?!

But seriously, if you can make me laugh step up. If you can tell me I'm wrong, step up. If you speak your mind and expect that I will accept it as your truth and not an indictment...step the hell up.

I want insane moments of laughter at a movie that's not that funny, but you can see yourself in it. Wandering the city sharing a Gray's Papaya Recession Special. Checking out the latest over-reviewed, over-analyzed stage production. Chilling in Central Park, looking at the freaks wander in and out of the shadowy alcoves in the trees. Hanging with my family for a Sunday of food, laughs and occasional embarrassing story. Eating bucket after bucket of buffalo wings with Kristy and Dwight on Tuesday nights at Black Bear Grill!!! (Really they are fucking amazing!!! I mean the wings! But I guess Kristy and Dwight arent bad either. HA)

Yeah..none of this is in the immediate future, I'm not that crazy. But this is the ultimate destination if you jump onboard this ride. Bumps will come; Ill hold you during the rough spots. Tears are a certainty; Ill dry them even if I caused them. Love abounds; Ill give my all and all. My world will open; feel free to come in and add what you will and take what you need. Just know that all I give is done sincerely and without agenda. Its said too casually for me but..I love hard. For me this is non-negotiable

DJ

The weekend is over and this week promises to be a fantastic one. Not sure why I got this itch but my monkey ass is scratching away. My dad is home and doing fantastic. My girl is seeing a good guy. And DJ IS MOVING PAST CONTENT INTO HAPPINESS. I went out a couple times last week and lets just say I'm not as dead as I imagined. Talked to some seemingly great guys and it felt good to be the object de desire. According to my girlfriend "You are a great catch D. Why the hell aren't you dating?" Now I just need to move further and actually follow up with a call or email. So much pressure..HAHA. Well now the mad Romanian is forcing me to enjoy a day out, cuz it is fuckin gorgeous outside. Who knows might see you on the streets of NYC. If you do say hi to the Love Monkey.

Catch ya later.

DJ

La esencia de quién deseo para ser está en conflicto directo con cuáles soy. Todas las grandes cosas felices sobre mi vida son cosas que tengo que dar para arriba para hacer este paso siguiente. Pero cualquier cosa digno de tener implica los rasgones y dolor.

I am wiped out on all fronts and feel insanely naked. It's like I wanna scream, fight, cry and sleep all at once. I am feeling that "pressure" again and have no idea what to do. There is a tinge of that old lack of self worth feeling that I just shook off this year and might be comparable to the withdrawals addicts feel. But then again, we are all addicts in a certain way; my addiction is/was people needing me. Now that I have cut myself off from that, my life yearns to help someone. But alas…no one needs help and I am at a lost.

This is the part of the story where that Robert Frost poem comes into play. I'm sticking to the rough and rugged path in hopes that end will worth it and I honesty feel it will. But that smooth easy road sure looks good as hell about now. I'm headed to the house soon. I plan on turning my phone off, popping in some smooth jazz and chill in the Jacuzzi with a jug of Carlo Rossi and a fresh pack of Newport. From there I can collect my thoughts and plot my next move. I don't do that often enough and enjoy it. Usually it's a last minute option when there is nothing else to do. Maybe that's the problem, I need to spend time with me and see how I can help myself….DAMN I LOVE BLOGGING. See you guys later…gotta run to da Likah Stow!!

DJ

Reality 1 Pink Elephant 0

Just finished watching Empire of the Sun and it was an great end to a good day. It's a story of dreams unfulfilled due to an interuption by reality and how you adapt to what's really going on around you. It's funny that was a theme for a good friend of mine earlier today. He was the guy who had the issue with the Pink Elephant. Today he had a springboard moment and faced the issue and won. He understood that his decision to ignore it stifled his next move in life. Not only did he have this huge weight, he had inexplicably chained himself to it out of a need to maintain connected to an ideal. Closer inspection of his own motives led him to resent the delay the situation was causing in where he wanted to be. There were a couple options on how to handle this, but ultimately he chose the best one for him. Complete seperation was his escape and I am happy that he finally wants the same joy and love in his life that he wants for us.

That's all for now, but anyone who reads this is encouraged to really look at where they are and make sure there are no elephants in their shadow. If you find one...Aim for the head.

Your stares confirm me.

Your laugh lightens me.

Your honesty frees me.

Your hugs encourage me.

Your friendship lifts me.

You have been what I needed.

Thank you.

Witnessed a friend reconnect on certain levels with his ex-boyfriend. Remember that first real love that rocks your world? Then the patterns of life cause it to almost go out. But then no matter what you do it never fully reignites. That's what was going on Friday night…the sexual sparks were flying and the urge to be together is evident to all around. Yet the connection never completed itself. There are visible obstacles that can be overcome, but the underlying tone was "What I want is something I can't have, but I refuse to admit why!!" The principal cause for the initial breakup is not clear to either of them by choice. They paddled back and forth theories of the demise, but neither could score an ace again by choice. But there are some things you have to kill in order to give yourself life. We kinda had a roundtable and the opinions offered where varied:

The Hopeful Romantic offered "Love conquers all" While this is valid in songs and books, I think that being in love with a person or thing does not dictate that you attach yourself to that if it's not working. It's been my experience that forced relationships, breed resentment and dysfunction on a painful emotional level. You feel you love the thing that hurts you and eventually you confuse the two and begin to accept dysfunction as a norm. This is often seen in the serial daters of the gay community. Jumping from fucked up situation to another fucked up situation. All the while they blame others and deny they are unconsciously seeking out drama.

The Stoic offered no direct opinion, but a myriad of facial expressions that read like a well versed script. He showed a touch of regret that the relationship would not rekindle itself. But his rational mind would not allow him to falsely encourage the flawed union. So rather than verbalizing his bitter sweet opinion, he offered silent encouragement to the couple to find their own truth and honesty.

My opinion was …if you choose to not name the issues that tore you apart, you do not need to try again. Love operates best in infinite honesty and communication. If I am in love with a man, he has to be able to handle my truth with him and accept it. By that same token I have to be open to the same experience. If all you are basing the relationship on it is the warm fuzzy feelings and tender bedroom moments..you are missing out on the best of Love. There is a duality to love that is often ignored. The arguments establish your individuality in the confines of a relationship. The hurt feelings indicate that the person is integrated into your life deeply and is able to move your emotions. These are necessary evils to move you past the simple butterflies in your stomach to a deeper understanding of what it is to be in love.

The end result of the roundtable was nothing. The refusal to Name the Pink Elephant prevented any resolve. So now the dance begins, will they or wont they. No matter the choice…it's ok. These are the breaths between the high moments that are the best parts of life

Going through this change has been amazing and oh so freeing so far. But now I feel like Luke fighting the Dark Side. I like the new me so much more than the fragmented mess I was a couple months ago, but now I am turned off by people who are not evolving. I have cleaned my house and now have quality people around me. But my microscope has shifted to them and now they have become recipients of my silent judgments.

I don't want to be that guy. You know the guy who quits smoking or drinking and berates people who can't or don't quit too. Anyone who has gotten to this point and has moved past this feeling of potentially becoming self-righteousHELP ME!!! Post it here or email me with coping mechanisms.

Living single has me looking to my friend's relationships for validation that love is still possible. This is a fantastic time for my circle.

The teacher and the chef are maintaining a stable commited relationship on separate coasts.

The dancer and the singer have decided that love ain't all roses and the obstacles reinforce the need to be honest about what they want. And ultimately they want to be together.

The DJ and the writer discovered that communcation causes issues to be non issues.

And here I sit feeling truly blessed to be able to witness this amazing thing first hand. Usually being the single friend evokes emotions of loneliness and self doubt. But not this time. They have added a new reason for the sun in my world to shine brighter. If the man who is crazy enough to fall in love with me shows up, he better be ready. My standard of love has been raised to epic levels and I have heightened expectations of what it takes to make things work.

The song in my heart now is Phyllis Hyman's I Refuse to Be Lonely.


I can't hold you
Like I want to
Can't hold you to the promises you make
You won't be here tonight
Or any other night
It would be a lie to say I'm not afraid
But to be afraid is something
That I've always been
The difference is this time I'm not giving in

Yes I am alone
Yes I'm on my own
But for the first time in my life
I'm gonna carry on
Yes, I'm gonna ache
But I will not break
Some things I can choose
And baby I refuse
To be lonely
To be lonely

I can't change you
I can't blame you
And this time I'm not even gonna try
You do what you have to do
I'll do the same thing too
You've got a right to say good-bye
But I've got a right to take care of myself
I realize that I come first before anyone else

Yes, I am alone
Yes, I'm on my own
But for the time in my life
I'm gonna carry on
Yes, I'm gonna ache
But I will not break
Some things I can choose
and baby I refuse
to be lonely

Lonely is a place I used to be
But I'm closing that door
I won't live there anymore

Yes, I am alone
Yes, I'm on my own
But for the first time in my life
I'm gonna carry on
Yes, I'm gonna ache
But I will not break
Some things I can choose
And baby I refuse
To be lonely
To be lonely
To be lonely

Nite.

DJ

Well I must have done something right. As I sit here and spill my guts...LIFE IS NICE!!! Has not been for a while, but the sun is shining in my world and I'm happy as a fly on shit. Was not sure what it was, I blamed it on the Xanax. But it is honest and genuine joy!!! Now let me fill you in on the 411:

My dad is freaking amazing. His recovery is going fantastic. He will be back on his feet sooner than expected. And we have finally established our adult realtionship. He told me that he has always only seen me as his son, not a man. Not a putdown but he said he had never really looked at how I handle my shit with grace, style and wisdom. I have pretty much carried him through this event and refuse to let him see it as an end. And the weird part is seeing him vunerable has enhanced my image of what a real man is. I always thought strength in emotions and actions were hallmarks of manhood. But it's so much more. Being able to admit you are scared and sheading tear has a tendency to rip the lining off manufactured images of who you think you are. It will reveal the honest and raw essense of your true man.

Whoa...im sorry...I was getting way too deep for a minute. If you want more hit me up.

Ok back to the joy.

Two of my friends are in quality realtionships, based on their own personal truths. See I used to base the viability of a friend's relationship on my concept of what a good pairing was. I developed this mindset from my experiences and silently held them up as a mandate from God. Lately I been pulling back my opinion and looking at how they related outside my dictatorial dating rules. And what do you know....them negros is happy. I was imposing me on them and finding their relationships lacking. WRONG!!! They are happy, because they accept where they are in life and operate fully in that. No pretense, no fluff...imagine how great it must be to live life with no apologizes. So they have "released" me from that need to be a Barometer of Love. Where did I get all these false responsibilities from? When I find out...its on!!

Lastly and oh so important...I am open to love once more. I've honestly been scared of love for so long. My last real relationship was about 8 years ago and we were together for about 9 years. I thought he was the one I was going to grow old with and kinda cut off the possiblity of love for any other man. Here I am many years later and had never really taken that restrictor off my heart. Yeah Ive dated a couple times and met some fantastic guys. But because they were not the name I dare not speak..I didnt give them an honest chance. All thats done. I divorced my heart from the love, fun, pain, vacations, dogs and houses with HIM!! Now there is an insane amount of space in my chest for a man to fill with his stuff. I still love him to this day, but I love me more and its time to move from round this mountain.

I have been listening to Yolanda Adams song Someone Watching Over You and the lyrics are amazing. I sent her an email of thanks for her song helping me clean house in my life.

Say that you're not afraid
you're just fine
got it all figured out this time
all of the plans you made
will work out
deep inside you have you're doubts
but you're clinging to your pride
and you trust
you'll know
your free to let it go

cause even when it rains outside
there is light
even when you cry all night
you're alright
even when you lose your way
you'll get through
cause there is someone watching over you

say you've been hurt before you're afraid
that you'll never love again
and why should you take a chance just to fall
but you'd rather build a wall
than believe that you are loved
open up your heart
someone needs you as you are

I've been there
at times I get scared
its true
but I hold on to that
I can't see
something inside of me
and that's what give me strength to believe



The many many many possibilities of the day are the reason I wake up excited. They are the reason I sleep soundly knowing I am a work in progress and its ok.

And I am out....Love ya.

This week has been probably one of the hardest in my life. My father, who is the undisputed champion of my life, fell horribly ill and needed to be hospitalized. He's much much better now and Im thankful as hell, but im glad it happened. It sounds weird to be happy for an unfortunate incident, but keep reading. My dad and I got a chance to really talk and discuss where we were in life. My father was sharing some things that have become clear to him as a result of this event. He was troubled that peopled wanted to help him and assist him through all this. I was confused that he honestly did not know much he meant to us.

My dad has been working to support his family since he was 14. In this time he has provide his kids an amazing life. We have been blessed to never go without our needs and very few of our wants. However, we never knew the tremendous personal cost to our father. In the course of our conversation my father was telling me that he was tired and felt that he had no more to give to people. It was like looking into a mirror and hearing myself replay the conversation I had two weeks prior. At that moment I realized that I had unconsciously emulated my father. We share so many personality traits that it never dawned on me until that moment, my love of being there for people was learned from him.

This was my moment to explain my "revelation"!!! I asked my dad when was the last time he had an honest moment of self indulgence. He couldnt remember any time he had. Thats when I detailed healthy selfishness. I said "If giving to others damns you, the act is foolish." We are compelled by human nature to self preserve;however we fight that instinct to extend ourselves to others. My father and I dug deeper and came to the conclusion that we did not feel that we were worthy of being kind to ourselves. We established our self worth based on the deeds we performed for others.

After some tears and angry moments, we hugged and went to sleep. The next morning I felt a sincere lifting of the last weight of obligation to others. Looking at the pain in my daddys eyes, I decided I did not want to hit 61 and not feel worthy of the blessings I receive. Bring me all the joy, love, laughs and money I can handle. Im not saying Im going to hoarde my blessings, but I am going to be more mindful of who I share them with. This unspoken pact was sealed between my hero and I this weekend that will ensure increased happiness. We are both on the other side of bitter and things are pretty.

The lesson in all this typing is..If you dont think you're worth it who will?

Thank you Raye and Paris for confirming my position that most gay men are diametrically opposed to maintaining a honest and concise relationship. Your lying and backbiting of each other, has only further convinced me that life is best spent with a few friends, a fabulous pet and a well stocked bar. Not bitter..but better for it. THANKS. Did someone say open bar?

Spent V Day with friends chilling in the city and had a great time. This feeds into my Blog from yesterday about living more. My options for a solo V Day were:

Bottle of wine, dinner and the bed

Bottle of Booze, couple Percocept and the couch

Massive amounts of Chinese food, a cake (and by cake…I would have eaten the whole thing), Pepto and the bed

Or the best option, find people like yourself who are not distressed with being single on "THE DAY OF LOVE" and hang out. Glad I chose the latter. I was happy as a pig in shit for my friends who have a significant other to express love to on a grander scale on 2/14. But that's not where I am right now, so I adapt and move on. This blog shit is kewl. I would fire my therapist, but she gives me sweet ass pills to pop. Speaking of which…ZANAX MOMENT>>>>>mmmmm.

Catch you later…D. Jonathan Major

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."

Maya Angelou

I have really been in a funky way for the past couple months. There are a million things on my head at once and it's tearing me apart bit by bit mentally and emotionally. I'm usually very good at handling stress, but I am tired of the "juggling act". People around me are not invited to see me writhing in internal pain, that's not WHO I AM!! I am upbeat and personable. I can't let them down partly because of a severely misguided sense that I have to be "DJ!!" for them all. But mainly because I don't think it would help. I cringe at the thought of leaving the house and putting on my next great performance. It's a weird combination of depression and anxiety. In my mind, I know that I am not handling my personal issues like I should and it depresses the hell outta me. But on the other side of that I'm excited that I realize that and am making moves to fix things. I have become a creature of poor habits and now I have a hard time seeing tomorrow. No suicidal thoughts, so relax. But when I wake up, I have a real hard time seeing new possibilities or options. My days run together, because they have all become the same day replayed over and over. I can count on the same fractural greetings at work, mundane email conversations and a benign evening of alcohol soaked complacency.

I'm 34 and am pretty much in the same spot as I was 4 or 5 years ago in so many places in my life. They sad part is I have been able to compel people to maximize their lives and the potential they have, but can't give myself the courage to do the same. I am more or less without the spark needed to kick my life into full throttle. Most of that died in April 2004 when my best friend Sherrill passed away. She was the last person who I could honesty say saw me at my very worst and was there every step through it. This is not a pity plea by any means, but I'm tired of being the friend to everyone except myself. I want consistent and genuine relationships in my life again. I am too involved with people who I am not certain have my back like that. I have been excusing inconsideration, manipulation, insensitivity, selfishness and dishonesty as a bump in people's personalities. When in truth it is who they really are.

Don't know why I'm sharing all this, but it feels good to see my angst in print. Somehow it legitimizes my plight. I have cleaned house before and it felt good, but I think it's time again. Now as in all fairness there are those who have shown themselves to be true. And I appreciate it and love you guys for it. Thanks for listening. D. Jonathan Major

Just chilling out on a Friday with DVDS, a 40 and some chinese. Found something I did not realize I was missing.....me. It is a great thing to find a glimpse of happier times. All I can think about is cooling out with my boys in college, blazin an insane amount of dro, drinking cheap booze and getting ready to head out to a party. Now Im just wondering will I hit 45 and look back and long for the nights when I would sit up at 11 on a Friday and post a blog on myspace. Im pretty sure i will. Life is a cyclical process of reliving patterns established early in life.

Why must homos be so fucking self serving that they are oblivious to the harm they are causing to the people around them? If you are going to call someone a friend, you don’t fucking stab them in the back for the sake of busting a nut or getting fucked. I am so damn cool with being Gay and understand there is innately a certain amount of drama that is inherent with the label….but DAMN the stupid bullshit is getting old fast. Who do you turn to for help in dealing with life’s issues if you can’t decide who to trust? The funny part is that I thought I had lots of friends, but now this incident has caused me to reevaluate them all and see just who the hell has DJ’s back. The fucked up part is they are few.

Just wanted to get that out there; if you are a back stabber (and you know if you are)…check yourself!! That shit is tacky and just might get your damn wig split. If you have been stabbed, recognize that no matter how pretty a flower is, it takes a certain amount of shit to make it grow.

DJ