Sitting here listen to Anita explain a fantastic scenario of a woman telling a man she wants to get serious after she discovers he is a great guy, I find myself transfixed on loves that have come and gone. I am inexplicable transported from my apartment into a place where I can face where I missed chances to build what may have been the love affair of my life. The difference is now I have new definitions of what love is. I cant use the word affair or dating, they are definite by the restrictions they put on a relationship. I now use partnership or simply relationship. These terms are open-ended and free of restraints. Fairy tales of a white knight riding in on his trusty steed are only fitting for little girls before bed, however now I see the horse for what it is. See that damn horse in all its splendor is part of the package. If I take the man, I will also be accepting his horse(emotional baggage, ex boyfriends, his insecurity and a laundry list of drama) No man is exempt from that reality, so just imagine how fucked up a person has to be in order to ignore his crap and attempt to complete me. I cant deal with my own demons effectively, how he could slay those dragons is unimaginable. Give me a man who can openly admit his flaw and knows that only he can change them if he wants to change them at all.

I think thats what made He Whos Name I Dare Not Speak so amazing to me. He was, and I assume still is, ridiculously open about how he was flawed and a work in progress. Not as a cry for help, but more so full disclosure. His side effects were labeled and presented to me for final approval before I prescribed his love to my heart. This action freed me to share all of me good bad and worst. This can only be done with a level of comfort established after many honest moments of conversation and first hand witnessing of each others flaws. Now dont get it twisted, some shit is more than I could comfortably handle but I endeared me more to him than it repelled. Now that its over, Im fighting being open again. I have made HUGE strides and at least I can tell people how I feel, but the one on one relationship dynamic is frightening. I am at a lost how to use my throttle when is comes to expressing myself. The floodgates are either open fully or shut so tight nothing is getting in or out. This was my mistake with Jason. Fantastic guy who was a dream to be with, but my mouth turned it into a nightmare. After a couple weeks of hanging out and insane sex, in a moment dripping with gin and tonic, I said the dreaded words: I love you!! Now my intention was to say:

J. I love hanging out with you. You are becoming a good friend and Im glad we can do stuff together. I like the person you are. Blah blah blah.

However he heard:

J. I want to start having sex bareback. I want to meet your parents and tell them we are getting married in P-Town next week. I want to adopt kids.

And thus the death of what was the beginning of a good relationship.

Lets see then there was Chris who I thought was the second coming of Christ.Not. Lets just say that my desire to have a man blinded me to his predilection to shuffling men like a dealer in Vegas. One week we where dating and things were going ok, then he said we were moving too fast and wanted to be friends. This was kewl with menot really but it was. I attended his housewarming and promptly he introduced me to Tristanhis new boyfriend. That was a night spent at the bottom of a bottle of Bacardi and with a cheese platter. Another glowing example of lack of honesty and communicationall I had to do was fight harder for him to tell me his truth and I would have know I was a fantastic addition to his collection.

Im saying all this to say, the reason I have not be really sucessful in dating is I have not "divorced" myself from the guys in my past. I maintain contact with most of them, so unconscienously I have not closed the door fully on the lingering hope that there is chance for rekindling. The time is over for this, I need to clean out my heart and head to make room . For what or who, im not sure. But as a former Boy Scout, ok I'm still a boy scout, I will be prepared.

I guess my new prescription has opened up a vault I long assumed was closed. Just as a bit of a warning.the next couple blogs will be generated by the new filing system being organized by my Wellbutrin XL. Its great to pour out my emotions again. And this time...my cup is actually getting empty. Love ya