Ok this for me to read in the coming months and either laugh that I was this overly sensitive or cry myself to sleep that I am still in this rut. Its awesome to know love and live it with a man who meets your every need. But the horrible truth of life is that all things come to an end and you have no control over the timing. So now single and wanting to love again, I am conflicted on what I would need a man to give me to be happy. Hell can a man even do that? Ive been without for so long I have no idea how to express my needs and not sound either aloof or needy and desperate. I am the common denominator and I need to find out what I am doing to garner the same results time after time.

I refuse to believe my appearance plays a role as I am considerable attractive. I work and pretty much take care of my bills. I have laughter and wit. And a sex drive to be envied. All that is hidden behind a self induced bravado that may be displeasing to the guys I meet. I decided to open my arena and live what I claim I am. I state I am open to all men, but that has not been my experience. I have primarily dated Latin and Caucasian men based on my concocted idea that they somehow were more in tune with what I want. Lately I have been heading out to more and more black clubs and bars and that has garnered a worst state of lowered self esteem. Black men honestly do not approach or even give me the time of day. There is a stench that permeates my being and details my past in a perfunctory mist that makes me naked to any man with any degree of discernment. I wear a Clorox drenched SQ around my neck with little hope it seems of removing it. Its not that I really want to remove it if it is anything less than a honest desire to evolve further into the guy I want to be. And the stubborn asshole that lives in my head would want to know why I feel the need to change anyway.

Its not really fair to assign the fault, if there is any, on brothers for my pain from rejection. I never attempted to connect with them so why should I expect any other result?

I wish I could share this pain and get insight but in my arrogance and more so my fear I cant talk about this to anyone. While I have been changing and moving past my issues, my associates have taken residence in their dysfunction and would be of little valued assistance. Maybe thats the issue. I decided to be superman and forgot the pain it involves. I sucks to be a bastion of wisdom for many and have very little to speak to your own world.

I think I am seriously considering my earlier vow to give up on the hopes of a loving relationship and live for me. Ha what the hell that means is so lost on me I cant even begin to make a move in any direction. I just need to move though; Ive been round this mountain for far too long.

This has no purpose other than getting this out and off my chest. Hoping that the release will in some inexplicable way free me to love live and laugh like I lie and say I do now.