If you have any point of reference for me, you know I have an insane love of true singing divas. Something about Anita singing Rapture or Patti reminding me about My Friend rips emotions from my heart no amount of Wellbutrin can stifle. Even as I type this Martha Wash is telling me to Hold On and I wait with baited breath for my next tune on this musical rollercoaster. This has been a constant for as long as I can remember and its also what brings me back to the place where I know love is possible. Granted Beyonce and the rest of the new wave of over produced, well packaged and under talented ladies have a place in music history. For me their place is to remind me just how far we've moved from falling in love to simply loving each other. I doubt seriously years from now Cater To You will hold the same emotional impact as The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face. How amazing is it to tell the person you are with you will never forget the first time you saw them? Or being open enough to say I Love, Need and Want You Baby and have it stand as the absolute truth.

All this is connected to my desire to date again. Well in all honesty to simply date, because in retrospect Ive never done it. I came out, fucked many men and then hardcore love was in my face at 19. We lasted almost 10 years, because Luther taught me that A House was not a Home without him. Life pushed us apart and I found myself in a strange land of instant lovers. This was all too strange, so I reverted to the only thing I knew, Living all Alone. Yeah I had sex, but I could not find a soul who understood the relationship that I wanted was nothing less than old school. I connected with a couple guys, but ultimately who we were in bed eventually overwhelmed who we were to each other. Lesson learn...just because my dick feels good in a man, does not mean he feels good in my life.

I look at myself now and I can say that I have had only one true relationship, but I have had many boyfriends. And there is a difference. Maybe thats the problem, boyfriend by the nature of the word details immaturity and a state of platonic commitment. The temporal mindset that is pervasive in the community now has eclipsed the joy of getting to know, learning to love and deciding to commit to one man for life. At the glorious age of 34, I dont want to be anyones boyfriend. I know in practice you have to shuffle the deck many times before you find your king. I'm open to playing the game, but excuse me if I bring my own cards to the table.