Well I must have done something right. As I sit here and spill my guts...LIFE IS NICE!!! Has not been for a while, but the sun is shining in my world and I'm happy as a fly on shit. Was not sure what it was, I blamed it on the Xanax. But it is honest and genuine joy!!! Now let me fill you in on the 411:

My dad is freaking amazing. His recovery is going fantastic. He will be back on his feet sooner than expected. And we have finally established our adult realtionship. He told me that he has always only seen me as his son, not a man. Not a putdown but he said he had never really looked at how I handle my shit with grace, style and wisdom. I have pretty much carried him through this event and refuse to let him see it as an end. And the weird part is seeing him vunerable has enhanced my image of what a real man is. I always thought strength in emotions and actions were hallmarks of manhood. But it's so much more. Being able to admit you are scared and sheading tear has a tendency to rip the lining off manufactured images of who you think you are. It will reveal the honest and raw essense of your true man.

Whoa...im sorry...I was getting way too deep for a minute. If you want more hit me up.

Ok back to the joy.

Two of my friends are in quality realtionships, based on their own personal truths. See I used to base the viability of a friend's relationship on my concept of what a good pairing was. I developed this mindset from my experiences and silently held them up as a mandate from God. Lately I been pulling back my opinion and looking at how they related outside my dictatorial dating rules. And what do you know....them negros is happy. I was imposing me on them and finding their relationships lacking. WRONG!!! They are happy, because they accept where they are in life and operate fully in that. No pretense, no fluff...imagine how great it must be to live life with no apologizes. So they have "released" me from that need to be a Barometer of Love. Where did I get all these false responsibilities from? When I find out...its on!!

Lastly and oh so important...I am open to love once more. I've honestly been scared of love for so long. My last real relationship was about 8 years ago and we were together for about 9 years. I thought he was the one I was going to grow old with and kinda cut off the possiblity of love for any other man. Here I am many years later and had never really taken that restrictor off my heart. Yeah Ive dated a couple times and met some fantastic guys. But because they were not the name I dare not speak..I didnt give them an honest chance. All thats done. I divorced my heart from the love, fun, pain, vacations, dogs and houses with HIM!! Now there is an insane amount of space in my chest for a man to fill with his stuff. I still love him to this day, but I love me more and its time to move from round this mountain.

I have been listening to Yolanda Adams song Someone Watching Over You and the lyrics are amazing. I sent her an email of thanks for her song helping me clean house in my life.

Say that you're not afraid
you're just fine
got it all figured out this time
all of the plans you made
will work out
deep inside you have you're doubts
but you're clinging to your pride
and you trust
you'll know
your free to let it go

cause even when it rains outside
there is light
even when you cry all night
you're alright
even when you lose your way
you'll get through
cause there is someone watching over you

say you've been hurt before you're afraid
that you'll never love again
and why should you take a chance just to fall
but you'd rather build a wall
than believe that you are loved
open up your heart
someone needs you as you are

I've been there
at times I get scared
its true
but I hold on to that
I can't see
something inside of me
and that's what give me strength to believe



The many many many possibilities of the day are the reason I wake up excited. They are the reason I sleep soundly knowing I am a work in progress and its ok.

And I am out....Love ya.