I have really been in a funky way for the past couple months. There are a million things on my head at once and it's tearing me apart bit by bit mentally and emotionally. I'm usually very good at handling stress, but I am tired of the "juggling act". People around me are not invited to see me writhing in internal pain, that's not WHO I AM!! I am upbeat and personable. I can't let them down partly because of a severely misguided sense that I have to be "DJ!!" for them all. But mainly because I don't think it would help. I cringe at the thought of leaving the house and putting on my next great performance. It's a weird combination of depression and anxiety. In my mind, I know that I am not handling my personal issues like I should and it depresses the hell outta me. But on the other side of that I'm excited that I realize that and am making moves to fix things. I have become a creature of poor habits and now I have a hard time seeing tomorrow. No suicidal thoughts, so relax. But when I wake up, I have a real hard time seeing new possibilities or options. My days run together, because they have all become the same day replayed over and over. I can count on the same fractural greetings at work, mundane email conversations and a benign evening of alcohol soaked complacency.

I'm 34 and am pretty much in the same spot as I was 4 or 5 years ago in so many places in my life. They sad part is I have been able to compel people to maximize their lives and the potential they have, but can't give myself the courage to do the same. I am more or less without the spark needed to kick my life into full throttle. Most of that died in April 2004 when my best friend Sherrill passed away. She was the last person who I could honesty say saw me at my very worst and was there every step through it. This is not a pity plea by any means, but I'm tired of being the friend to everyone except myself. I want consistent and genuine relationships in my life again. I am too involved with people who I am not certain have my back like that. I have been excusing inconsideration, manipulation, insensitivity, selfishness and dishonesty as a bump in people's personalities. When in truth it is who they really are.

Don't know why I'm sharing all this, but it feels good to see my angst in print. Somehow it legitimizes my plight. I have cleaned house before and it felt good, but I think it's time again. Now as in all fairness there are those who have shown themselves to be true. And I appreciate it and love you guys for it. Thanks for listening. D. Jonathan Major